Lance We Hardly Knew Ye

I can’t believe I beat Velociman to this topic, he’s been more involved in interpretive dance lately anyways, but Lance Armstrong is going down.

Sure he won the brutal Tour De Georgia, nearly popping some blood vessels on the mountain stretch of the race. Georgia’s pollen dusted Appalachian foothills proved to be nearly as daunting as the Pyrenees. Our state’s latest effort at the big time bicycle racing scene had its own special quirks, including the occasional pickup truck running through the peloton, taking out a rider. Armstrong had girlfriend Sheryl Crow perch on the tailgate of his leading support vehicle Sharon Stone-Basic Instinct style to help pull him through Hogpen Gap during the mountain stretch of the race. This had the added advantage of keeping the flies off the watermelon. Over the course of the week-long race Lance dusted the field enough that he finished 66th on the final day and still won the thing, his first major tune up in advance of this summer’s Tour de France.

The U.S. Postal service took the opportunity to rain on Lance’s parade by announcing they are dropping their sponsorship of his team at the end of 2004, putting him in the same boat as a lot of current NASCAR teams. It’s tough out there.

All in all I think Lance has too much celebrity stink swirling about him today. His comeback and run at the top is astounding, and he’s living proof to anyone who has ever been given a dire cancer diagnosis that it can be mind over matter. He is one of the greatest athletes of his time. But I think he’s going down this summer, destined not to take his 6th consecutive Tour. Just look what Sheryl Crow has done to Eric Clapton and Kid Rock, among dozens of others. Look for this summer’s French contest to be the sporting equivalent of Lennon’s Double Fantasy LP. A great artist finally brought low.

Comments

[Velociman]

Oh, yes, squire, you did indeed beat me to the Tour de Neckbone. I could not prize myself from obligations to get to North Georgia to watch, although watching such a rich field ascend Brasstown Bald would have been Da Bomb. I must say, sir, that you are wrong, however. Lance will win his sixth. I have to believe this. I must believe this. Although the divorce thing could mess with him, especially if he sees Velociman grabbing his ex's ass at the top of L'Alpe D'Huez.

[jack straw]

I agree with RankinRob. Lance will actually finish just out of the top 10 this year. Who but Koufax and Jim Brown ever went out on top? (Please don't say John Elway.)

[Velociman]

Thank God Lance only has one nut. The better to choke on. Ha, ha!

[Doctor Flowers]

They closed roads, that lead to spring wildflowers, for this incredibly stupid event. (Who are 'they'.) I remind all that the showy orchis blooms on a very tight schedule in the North Georgia forests. A pox on 'they'. Flowers

[em]

Absolutely brilliant!! If you have a chance and need a good laugh watch the Lance Chronicle's on OLN, what a jerk!